Overcoming Being Paralyzed With Fear: Aligning My Own Will to Heavenly Father's Will

 I've had a lot of reflection the past 10 days or so and had experiences that helped me realize what is most important in life. Now I'm not sure why I am being vulnerable again. Maybe it will help one of you or it will be just for me to read back on one day.

Almost 3 years ago, I started to realize that I was not happy with myself. That smile of mine was often fake. Even though I was surrounded by people, I felt alone. I felt it was just me and a never-ending dark and dreary cloud around me. I felt that something was missing. I realized that I wasn't living up to my end of the bargain to remember Jesus Christ and maintaining that relationship with Him I promised on my baptism day many years ago. 

I wrestled with the thought of coming back to Jesus Christ, but I had that fear. Fear of how on earth He would ever forgive me and the mistakes I've made. I let those thoughts go to the garbage for the next little while and carried on with my life choosing not to let Jesus Christ in.

In January of 2018 I decided to start anew and live a new life I guess you would say. I decided to let Jesus Christ back in my life. Then all of a sudden, fear crept in again. If you think about it after every good decision, fear always creeps in. There is opposition in all things. I had a lot of fear.

I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how. I was afraid of changing, because I built my life the way I was living. 

The fears I had were things like, "Will people in the church welcome me back if they ever found out what I was up to? How long will the repentance process be if I decided to try to be in full fellowsip with the church I grew up in? Do I have to be excommunicated then be re-baptized later?" 

All I wanted to do was Heavenly Father's will for me. I knew if I obeyed what He instructs me to do, then it would eventually become my will as well. 

Time passed by then I just decided to talk to my Bishop. I told him everything what I was up to and what I missed. I didn't tell anyone for months that I was working on my repentance process. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for myself and nobody else (I was known as a people pleaser).

Fear kept on creeping in everyday. I love acronyms. I had 2 choices with fear. Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. I ran for so many years. Not necessarily from the church, but from Jesus Christ. I decided I couldn't live like that any longer so I decided to Face Everything And Rise with Jesus Christ.

I felt The Lord help me throughout the repentance process. His Atonement/Sacrifice is real. The Lord directed me to come back to church, because He knew that is where I would be the most happy. He was right. I still have fears everyday, but in all honesty I know fear doesn't come from Heavenly Father. It comes from the adversary.

Even though I am still tempted, I try to stick to and remember what makes me the most happy. I have had phenominal friends and family who truly know what I went through and they are there helping me just by listening and just being a good friend. 

Since then, I have gained a lot of faith instead of fear. I have learned that faith and fear cannot coexist together. When I have faith, I don't feel fear. And when I feel fear, my faith is lacking. 

Nothing makes me more happier than to know that Jesus Christ is by my side everyday and helping me along this hard thing called life. I know Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers as well as yours. 

Heavenly Father has helped me be the person I am meant to be and continuing to help me. I am forever grateful. I know He will provide. He never fails. 

I know The Lord will direct you and your own journey to your happiness. Whatever that may be. You are loved unconditionally by me and especially by Jesus Christ. Never forget that!

 

Facing the Future: My Coming Back to Know Heavenly Father Story

Before I dive into my story, I just wanted to let you all know that this is my story and my own story only. If you think my story will help those you know, that is great. But please don't go telling them to be just like me in my own journey. For everyone has their own journey to their own destination. :)

I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in San Diego, California. Little did I know the hardships that would come my way. I got sick while in the MTC. I got sent to the ER. They thought I had appendicitis. It was a tender mercy that my Uncle Brian was in the ER that night. He helped comfort me and I was able to talk to my parents for a couple of minutes. I had to stay an extra week in the MTC due to being sick. The MTC had me stay with a different district that was in the same zone as me. Little did I know that Heavenly Father used me as an instrument in His hands to help those missionaries. Some of them said I was an answer to their prayers. When I went to San Diego, things were going well then, I was sent home 4 weeks later. It was extremely hard to accept it. I got the opportunity to be a temple worker and work with the sister missionaries at Utah State. I found it was a tender mercy that one of the sister missionaries I already knew. We worked together in the MTC. I was home for 6 months. Uncertain if I would ever go back out. I got comfortable just staying at home, but the thought of going to school at that time simply didn’t feel right. After much hard work, I got to go back. I was feeling a lot better and ready to get back to work in San Diego.

Things were great for the first 2 weeks, then I started to feel my illness coming back. I did all I could to work through it. 3 months later, after talking with my mission president, we agreed that my work as a Missionary was complete. It was the most difficult thing ever. A lot of thoughts were going through my head. What will my family and friends think of me? What will the church think of me? How can I move forward and face ahead with not accomplishing what I hoped I would. I remember coming down the escalator at the SLC airport. Here I was feeling that I let my family down. My mom was the first person to embrace me. Her words will always stay with me. She said, “Laurel, we are so proud of you. We love you.” That is all I needed. I did good for the first 6 months of being home.  After those 6 months, I got inside of my head and believed the adversary when Satan said, your work in the church is done. You are a failure, because you didn’t finish the 18 months as a missionary. You are better off away from the church. At the time, I thought those thoughts were mine.

I started to not attend church. Shortly after, I would be involved in things that I imagine that made Heavenly Father cry. I would be surrounded by some people that made me believe that there is no way back to the temple and that Heavenly Father didn’t love me. Here I was as a missionary 6 months prior telling my investigators that Heavenly Father loved them unconditionally and I was starting to believe those people telling me that I wasn’t loved because of my wrong-doings. I was in the wrong crowd. I sought “happiness” elsewhere. I stopped going to church and stopped going to the temple altogether. I thought I was happy. Without having to worry about living the commandments and the covenants that I made with Heavenly Father. By doing so I was distant from my family. Little did I know at that time, I have caused much grief and pain for my family. There were barriers. It was not their fault. It was my doing. Any subject that had to do with the Church, I didn’t want to be part of. My knowledge of my testimony started to diminish. I was part of the party scene for a while. I thought I felt free. Little did, I know at the time I was trapped. I was trapped in the lies of Satan for 4 long years. Lies that I thought were truths. 4 long years of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual pain, grief and unhappiness which Satan manipulated as happiness.

There was a turning point in early 2018. As I just stated that I was believing the lies of the adversary. The breaking point was when the adversary told me I have 2 options. 1. Live away from the church for the rest of my life or 2. End my life. I found it extreme. So extreme, that the thought of kneel and pray to Heavenly Father. I haven’t prayed in so long and felt unworthy to pray. I hesitated, but then I felt a gentle loving push and kneeled and started to pray. I prayed to Heavenly Father late that night. I said, “Heavenly Father, I can’t do this anymore. I am so sorry what I have done. Do you love me? I need to know that you love me. I need direction. I felt I was in my own Gethsemane.”

When my prayer was over, I just didn’t move, because I was in tears and exhausted from the possible most important prayer up to date. Then moments later, I felt the feeling in my bedroom change. From feeling confusion, sadness, grief and pain, I felt the love that I was longing for. Heavenly Father said to me, “Laurel. My daughter, my child, I love you. I need you to come back to the church. You have great work to do.”

Alma 37:36-37, Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.

37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

I am grateful for what Heavenly Father told me that night. That didn’t diminish my fear of coming back to church. Then I realized what worth is having is hard to get. My heart began to soften after that night. What helped is that I began to see and feel the love from my leaders, friends and family. There love was there the whole time. I was just blind for a long time from seeing anything good.

I was a fence sitter for a long time. There were times during those 4 years that I thought about coming back to church. Then Satan would chime in and convince me otherwise. Then I realized being a fence sitter is literally uncomfortable and it brings a lot confusion.

 It was hard for me to go to church. But there was 1 person through her light and Christ-like love that pulled me to church. Heather Petersen. She served as a relief society President in my ward for quite some time back in 2017. She was my visiting teacher at the time too. She knew what my past was like. She loved me anyway. She would often sit with me at church. She told me that I was loved from Heavenly Father just by the way she lived. She made me feel welcomed at church. I always looked forward to seeing her at church.  She always offered to help me in any way that she can. Then I finally decided to make the decision, okay I am coming back to church full-time because I feel happy at church. The happiness I felt before I went wayward. 2 days after that decision, Heather passed away from a tragic car accident. I was distraught. How am I supposed to face my future in the church without her by my side?

I would like to share my dream I had with her shortly after she passed away. I had a dream I was walking alone at Provo City Center Temple. I often go on walks to clear things out of head and when I am trying to figure out things. I had my head down then I noticed someone was there. I looked up and there was Heather in all her glory. She said, “Laurel. You can do it. I will be there every step of the way. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there for you too.” We embraced and then she left. She said she has work to do.

She kept her word in offering help to me. I often felt her near among other angels in helping me come back to full fellowship.

D&C 121: 7-9

A week later, I started the repentance process to get my temple recommend back. I felt the love from my Father in Heaven, my family, friends and Bishop Manning as I was starting to make my way back to Heavenly Father’s home which is the temple.

In April of 2018, my sister Alison and I went to the Provo temple. The first time in 4 ½ years since I entered the House of the Lord. We did a session together. Then when it was my turn to enter the Celestial Room, I felt a whole lot of love.  I knew that Heavenly Father was there with me. He said, “Laurel, my daughter. Welcome home. I am so proud of you. I love you.” The Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everybody. It is encouraging and life-saving and full of mercy. It is not only for repenting and healing; it is also empowering. With the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can overcome anything. We can overcome grief, pain, uncertainty, sadness, job losses or whatever else it may be. When things seem to always go wrong in our lives, just know that Heavenly Father never stops working to make our lives better. We go through hard times so we may be purified in order to meet our Heavenly Father one day and be able to embrace Him.

James E. Faust said,

“The Divine Shepherd has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless.”

Atonement:

Without the Atonement, I would think it would be impossible to face my future. What a great gift from our Savior Jesus Christ to go through what He went through, so we may have a happy future.

Since coming back to the temple, I have received many blessings from serving in my calling and in the temple. There are many times that the adversary slips in and tempts me to give it all up. He likes to remind me of my wrong doings almost every day, but I choose Heavenly Father’s side every time. Why? Because true Happiness comes from living the Gospel principles. Satan knows he already lost. Church leaders have taught us that the victory is already won by Heavenly Father and His followers. Satan knows of the goodness we have done in the pre-earth life, so he will do anything he can do to us from succeeding. I hope that we choose and continue to choose Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. For they are the true leaders when it comes for us to face our future. They will never lead us astray.

We have the opportunity to close the door on past failures, disappointments, pain, grief, and unhappiness. We need not dwell on past failures. Remember the lessons of the past, they prepare us to face the challenges of the future. The secret to your future is hidden in our daily routines.

Let us help each other face the future with light, service, compassion and Christ-Like love. Heavenly Father’s plan is the plan to follow. You are always worthy to pray. You are always worthy to receive a blessing. You are always worthy to apply The Atonement in your lives. Why? Because you have the ultimate divine title of Divine Son or Daughter of Heavenly Father. Have we received His Image in our countenances? He is counting on us to help each other back to His presence. What greater role or calling. You are doing better than you think you are. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are always loved.

Choose how to live today that will help us to face the future with faith, hope, charity, confidence and love. It is okay to ask Heavenly Father and ask Him to assist you with facing your future. The Lord has a role in each of our lives. We need to trust Heavenly Father. He knows us personally and knows us by name. He is aware and wants to help us. He is interested in YOUR future and who we are becoming. There is a saying that says, Endure to the End. Although that is something good to live by, I like to change 1 word in that phrase. Enjoy to the End. The Plan of Salvation teaches us that this life is not the end. There is no end. So, we definitely have a marvelous future to face, enjoy and look forward to. A future of glory and forever happiness with our loved ones and Heavenly Parents.

 Some key points I learned about facing the future: 

1. There is nothing to be afraid of. With Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by our side and The Holy Ghost as our constant companion, we are always led to the righteous path.

2. Trust Heavenly Father. He knows better. He knows the way.

3. If you feel stuck or something in life didn’t go as planned. Please don’t fear. For Heavenly Father has something greater in store for you.

4. Prayerfully prepare today for your future. So that one day, your future self will thank you for what you have done today.

5. Please don’t let pain and grief from your past stop you from facing the future. One of the adversary’s tactics to get us down is to constantly remind us of the negative, painful things that happened in the past. We are much stronger than he is. We can always conquer evil.

I know Heavenly Father knows you and loves you. It is my prayer that each of us will face our own futures with the help of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Let us help each other to our divine future in glory living with our Heavenly Father as our ultimate goal. The Gospel is my happy place. It is what gets me through hard times and be able to look to the future with excitement and joy. I hope it is the same for you as well. Please believe me when I say you are not forgotten.

 “Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

-Jeffrey R. Holland