I served a mission for
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in San Diego, California. Little
did I know the hardships that would come my way. I got sick while in the MTC. I
got sent to the ER. They thought I had appendicitis. It was a tender mercy that
my Uncle Brian was in the ER that night. He helped comfort me and I was able to
talk to my parents for a couple of minutes. I had to stay an extra week in the
MTC due to being sick. The MTC had me stay with a different district that was
in the same zone as me. Little did I know that Heavenly Father used me as an
instrument in His hands to help those missionaries. Some of them said I was an
answer to their prayers. When I went to San Diego, things were going well then,
I was sent home 4 weeks later. It was extremely hard to accept it. I got the
opportunity to be a temple worker and work with the sister missionaries at Utah
State. I found it was a tender mercy that one of the sister missionaries I
already knew. We worked together in the MTC. I was home for 6 months. Uncertain
if I would ever go back out. I got comfortable just staying at home, but the
thought of going to school at that time simply didn’t feel right. After much
hard work, I got to go back. I was feeling a lot better and ready to get back
to work in San Diego.
Things were great for the
first 2 weeks, then I started to feel my illness coming back. I did all I could
to work through it. 3 months later, after talking with my mission president, we
agreed that my work as a Missionary was complete. It was the most difficult
thing ever. A lot of thoughts were going through my head. What will my family and
friends think of me? What will the church think of me? How can I move forward
and face ahead with not accomplishing what I hoped I would. I remember coming
down the escalator at the SLC airport. Here I was feeling that I let my family
down. My mom was the first person to embrace me. Her words will always stay
with me. She said, “Laurel, we are so proud of you. We love you.” That is all I
needed. I did good for the first 6 months of being home. After those 6 months, I got inside of my head
and believed the adversary when Satan said, your work in the church is done.
You are a failure, because you didn’t finish the 18 months as a missionary. You
are better off away from the church. At the time, I thought those thoughts were
mine.
I started to not attend church.
Shortly after, I would be involved in things that I imagine that made Heavenly
Father cry. I would be surrounded by some people that made me believe that
there is no way back to the temple and that Heavenly Father didn’t love me. Here
I was as a missionary 6 months prior telling my investigators that Heavenly
Father loved them unconditionally and I was starting to believe those people
telling me that I wasn’t loved because of my wrong-doings. I was in the wrong
crowd. I sought “happiness” elsewhere. I stopped going to church and stopped
going to the temple altogether. I thought I was happy. Without having to worry
about living the commandments and the covenants that I made with Heavenly
Father. By doing so I was distant from my family. Little did I know at that
time, I have caused much grief and pain for my family. There were barriers. It
was not their fault. It was my doing. Any subject that had to do with the
Church, I didn’t want to be part of. My knowledge of my testimony started to
diminish. I was part of the party scene for a while. I thought I felt free. Little
did, I know at the time I was trapped. I was trapped in the lies of Satan for 4
long years. Lies that I thought were truths. 4 long years of emotional, mental,
physical and spiritual pain, grief and unhappiness which Satan manipulated as
happiness.
There was a turning point
in early 2018. As I just stated that I was believing the lies of the adversary.
The breaking point was when the adversary told me I have 2 options. 1. Live
away from the church for the rest of my life or 2. End my life. I found it
extreme. So extreme, that the thought of kneel and pray to Heavenly Father. I
haven’t prayed in so long and felt unworthy to pray. I hesitated, but then I
felt a gentle loving push and kneeled and started to pray. I prayed to Heavenly
Father late that night. I said, “Heavenly Father, I can’t do this anymore. I am
so sorry what I have done. Do you love me? I need to know that you love me. I
need direction. I felt I was in my own Gethsemane.”
When my prayer was over, I just
didn’t move, because I was in tears and exhausted from the possible most
important prayer up to date. Then moments later, I felt the feeling in my
bedroom change. From feeling confusion, sadness, grief and pain, I felt the
love that I was longing for. Heavenly Father said to me, “Laurel. My daughter,
my child, I love you. I need you to come back to the church. You have great
work to do.”
Alma 37:36-37, Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it
be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of
thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.
37 Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct
thee for good; yea, when thou liest down at night lie down unto the
Lord, that he may watch over you in your sleep; and when thou risest in the morning let thy heart be full of thanks unto God; and if ye
do these things, ye shall be lifted up at the last day.
I am grateful for what
Heavenly Father told me that night. That didn’t diminish my fear of coming back
to church. Then I realized what worth is having is hard to get. My heart began
to soften after that night. What helped is that I began to see and feel the
love from my leaders, friends and family. There love was there the whole time.
I was just blind for a long time from seeing anything good.
I was a fence sitter for
a long time. There were times during those 4 years that I thought about coming
back to church. Then Satan would chime in and convince me otherwise. Then I
realized being a fence sitter is literally uncomfortable and it brings a lot
confusion.
It was hard for me to go to church. But there
was 1 person through her light and Christ-like love that pulled me to church.
Heather Petersen. She served as a relief society President in my ward for quite
some time back in 2017. She was my visiting teacher at the time too. She knew
what my past was like. She loved me anyway. She would often sit with me at
church. She told me that I was loved from Heavenly Father just by the way she
lived. She made me feel welcomed at church. I always looked forward to seeing
her at church. She always offered to
help me in any way that she can. Then I finally decided to make the decision,
okay I am coming back to church full-time because I feel happy at church. The
happiness I felt before I went wayward. 2 days after that decision, Heather
passed away from a tragic car accident. I was distraught. How am I supposed to
face my future in the church without her by my side?
I would like to share my
dream I had with her shortly after she passed away. I had a dream I was walking
alone at Provo City Center Temple. I often go on walks to clear things out of
head and when I am trying to figure out things. I had my head down then I
noticed someone was there. I looked up and there was Heather in all her glory.
She said, “Laurel. You can do it. I will be there every step of the way.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are there for you too.” We embraced and then
she left. She said she has work to do.
She kept her word in
offering help to me. I often felt her near among other angels in helping me
come back to full fellowship.
D&C 121: 7-9
A week later, I started
the repentance process to get my temple recommend back. I felt the love from my
Father in Heaven, my family, friends and Bishop Manning as I was starting to
make my way back to Heavenly Father’s home which is the temple.
In April of 2018, my
sister Alison and I went to the Provo temple. The first time in 4 ½ years since
I entered the House of the Lord. We did a session together. Then when it was my
turn to enter the Celestial Room, I felt a whole lot of love. I knew that Heavenly Father was there with
me. He said, “Laurel, my daughter. Welcome home. I am so proud of you. I love
you.” The Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everybody. It is encouraging and
life-saving and full of mercy. It is not only for repenting and healing; it is
also empowering. With the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can overcome anything.
We can overcome grief, pain, uncertainty, sadness, job losses or whatever else
it may be. When things seem to always go wrong in our lives, just know that
Heavenly Father never stops working to make our lives better. We go through
hard times so we may be purified in order to meet our Heavenly Father one day
and be able to embrace Him.
James E. Faust said,
“The Divine Shepherd has
a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night,
we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of
the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine
purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge,
they purify, and thus they bless.”
Atonement:
Without the Atonement, I
would think it would be impossible to face my future. What a great gift from
our Savior Jesus Christ to go through what He went through, so we may have a
happy future.
Since coming back to the
temple, I have received many blessings from serving in my calling and in the
temple. There are many times that the adversary slips in and tempts me to give
it all up. He likes to remind me of my wrong doings almost every day, but I
choose Heavenly Father’s side every time. Why? Because true Happiness comes
from living the Gospel principles. Satan knows he already lost. Church leaders
have taught us that the victory is already won by Heavenly Father and His
followers. Satan knows of the goodness we have done in the pre-earth life, so
he will do anything he can do to us from succeeding. I hope that we choose and
continue to choose Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. For they are the true
leaders when it comes for us to face our future. They will never lead us
astray.
We have the opportunity
to close the door on past failures, disappointments, pain, grief, and
unhappiness. We need not dwell on past failures. Remember the lessons of the past,
they prepare us to face the challenges of the future. The secret to your future
is hidden in our daily routines.
Let us help each other
face the future with light, service, compassion and Christ-Like love. Heavenly
Father’s plan is the plan to follow. You are always worthy to pray. You are always
worthy to receive a blessing. You are always worthy to apply The Atonement in
your lives. Why? Because you have the ultimate divine title of Divine Son or
Daughter of Heavenly Father. Have we received His Image in our countenances? He
is counting on us to help each other back to His presence. What greater role or
calling. You are doing better than you think you are. Please don’t be so hard
on yourself. You are always loved.
Choose how to live today
that will help us to face the future with faith, hope, charity, confidence and
love. It is okay to ask Heavenly Father and ask Him to assist you with facing
your future. The Lord has a role in each of our lives. We need to trust Heavenly
Father. He knows us personally and knows us by name. He is aware and wants to
help us. He is interested in YOUR future and who we are becoming. There is a
saying that says, Endure to the End. Although that is something good to live
by, I like to change 1 word in that phrase. Enjoy to the End. The Plan of
Salvation teaches us that this life is not the end. There is no end. So, we
definitely have a marvelous future to face, enjoy and look forward to. A future
of glory and forever happiness with our loved ones and Heavenly Parents.
Some key points I learned about facing the future:
1. There is nothing to be afraid of. With Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by our side and The Holy Ghost as our constant companion, we are always led to the righteous path.
2. Trust Heavenly Father.
He knows better. He knows the way.
3. If you feel stuck or
something in life didn’t go as planned. Please don’t fear. For Heavenly Father
has something greater in store for you.
4. Prayerfully prepare
today for your future. So that one day, your future self will thank you for
what you have done today.
5. Please don’t let pain and grief from your past stop you from facing the future. One of the adversary’s tactics to get us down is to constantly remind us of the negative, painful things that happened in the past. We are much stronger than he is. We can always conquer evil.
I know Heavenly Father knows you and loves you. It is my prayer that each of us will face our own futures with the help of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. Let us help each other to our divine future in glory living with our Heavenly Father as our ultimate goal. The Gospel is my happy place. It is what gets me through hard times and be able to look to the future with excitement and joy. I hope it is the same for you as well. Please believe me when I say you are not forgotten.
“Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness
ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until
heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It
will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.”
-Jeffrey R. Holland
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