I've had a lot of reflection the past 10 days or so and had experiences that helped me realize what is most important in life. Now I'm not sure why I am being vulnerable again. Maybe it will help one of you or it will be just for me to read back on one day.
Almost 3 years ago, I started to realize that I was not happy with myself. That smile of mine was often fake. Even though I was surrounded by people, I felt alone. I felt it was just me and a never-ending dark and dreary cloud around me. I felt that something was missing. I realized that I wasn't living up to my end of the bargain to remember Jesus Christ and maintaining that relationship with Him I promised on my baptism day many years ago.
I wrestled with the thought of coming back to Jesus Christ, but I had that fear. Fear of how on earth He would ever forgive me and the mistakes I've made. I let those thoughts go to the garbage for the next little while and carried on with my life choosing not to let Jesus Christ in.
In January of 2018 I decided to start anew and live a new life I guess you would say. I decided to let Jesus Christ back in my life. Then all of a sudden, fear crept in again. If you think about it after every good decision, fear always creeps in. There is opposition in all things. I had a lot of fear.
I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how. I was afraid of changing, because I built my life the way I was living.
The fears I had were things like, "Will people in the church welcome me back if they ever found out what I was up to? How long will the repentance process be if I decided to try to be in full fellowsip with the church I grew up in? Do I have to be excommunicated then be re-baptized later?"
All I wanted to do was Heavenly Father's will for me. I knew if I obeyed what He instructs me to do, then it would eventually become my will as well.
Time passed by then I just decided to talk to my Bishop. I told him everything what I was up to and what I missed. I didn't tell anyone for months that I was working on my repentance process. I wanted to make sure I was doing it for myself and nobody else (I was known as a people pleaser).
Fear kept on creeping in everyday. I love acronyms. I had 2 choices with fear. Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise. I ran for so many years. Not necessarily from the church, but from Jesus Christ. I decided I couldn't live like that any longer so I decided to Face Everything And Rise with Jesus Christ.
I felt The Lord help me throughout the repentance process. His Atonement/Sacrifice is real. The Lord directed me to come back to church, because He knew that is where I would be the most happy. He was right. I still have fears everyday, but in all honesty I know fear doesn't come from Heavenly Father. It comes from the adversary.
Even though I am still tempted, I try to stick to and remember what makes me the most happy. I have had phenominal friends and family who truly know what I went through and they are there helping me just by listening and just being a good friend.
Since then, I have gained a lot of faith instead of fear. I have learned that faith and fear cannot coexist together. When I have faith, I don't feel fear. And when I feel fear, my faith is lacking.
Nothing makes me more happier than to know that Jesus Christ is by my side everyday and helping me along this hard thing called life. I know Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers as well as yours.
Heavenly Father has helped me be the person I am meant to be and continuing to help me. I am forever grateful. I know He will provide. He never fails.
I know The Lord will direct you and your own journey to your happiness. Whatever that may be. You are loved unconditionally by me and especially by Jesus Christ. Never forget that!
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