Monday, October 12, 2015

Knowing

Knowing. It is more than the phrase, "I think." I like to share things that I Know.

I know that every trial is sent to us to make us stronger. It may seem that trials come one after another, but It will be OK in the end.


I know that life is full of amazing opportunities. Partake of them.

I know that the Lord wants us to love all people. I'm grateful that I learned how to do that. :)

I know that our families are perfect fit for us.

I know that I was made compassionate for many reasons. I'm grateful for this.

I know that I love people with all my heart and it will never change.

I know that befriending people is worth a shot. You never know who you might meet.

I know that living each day to the fullest is the way I am supposed to live. For I don't know what tomorrow brings.

I know that a smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I know that families can be together forever. It is a comforting feeling to know that.

I know that God and Jesus Christ loves us and knows what is best for us in our lives.

I know that music is what brings people from different walks of life together.

I know that I can't please everybody, but its ok. There is opposition in all things right?

I know that my brothers and sisters are perfect fit for me. I can't get enough of them.

I know that my parents love me.

I know that my friends accept me even though I have a upbeat "crazy" personality...lol.

I know that all of you are amazing and wonderful.

I know that laughter is the best medicine for anything.


I know that judging a book by its cover won't get you anywhere.


I know nature is a way that God tells us He is there for us.

I know that our loved ones are always there for us.

I know that LIVE LAUGH LOVE has a lot of meaning to me.

I know it is important to tell people that you love them

I know that I love all of you!


Love, Laurel

Sunday, October 4, 2015

My Invisible Illness



You are probably wondering what I am going to write about. Just to get it out of the way, I don't want any sympathy. This subject has been on my mind for awhile. I felt I should write about it with high hopes it helps at least 1 person out there. Here we go.

I titled this blog, "My Invisible Illness," because I want to talk about my invisible illness. Now you may have some idea what I am talking about. Yes, I am going to talk about my anxiety and depression and what I learned throughout my journey since I've been diagnosed.

I want to say it was my 2nd year in college at BYU-Idaho. As I look back, I started to lose interest in everything I was interested in. I didn't like school. I wasn't motivated. I wasn't social like I used to be. I was VERY dependent on others. I didn't realize this all until I was told of how my body language was. On my off-track, my family suggested I get evaluated. I agreed.

When I was told I have anxiety and depression, I fell apart. I thought that my world was turning and that I was weak. For the longest time, I looked at anxiety and depression as a weakness. I felt that all my strength was gone. There were and are days where I wake up in the morning not wanting to do anything. My anxiety makes me feel really sick time to time. But no one knows that unless I make it known. I look fine on the outside, but in reality, my anxiety likes to hide.

As time went on, I tried many different medications to see what would work best for me. My life was like a roller coaster for quite awhile. By the time I went back to school, I was still new to this. My motivation was still gone in my school work. It got me into trouble with my grades. It came to a point where my BYU-Idaho days were over before I graduated. (No I didn't get kicked out).

I was then trying to figure out where I can finish my schooling. Was it going to be Utah State University or Utah Valley University? Nothing seemed like anything was falling into place. Then long story short, I got the answer to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was very overwhelming, because I knew I needed/wanted to serve. My anxiety kicked in when hearing how hard and mental taxing missions can be. I got called to the California San Diego Mission. I was excited to return to my "home" state.

Between the time of receiving my mission call and entering the Missionary Training Center on September 19, 2012, I got lots of help from my therapist in preparation of dealing and coping with my anxieties and depression on the mission. I felt I was prepared for what was ahead. I was ready to go.

I was set to be in the MTC for 3 weeks. But they had me stay an extra week due to getting sick. That really sky-rocketed my anxieties. I had no medication with me at the time. I got to San Diego around mid October. My anxiety and depression got worse. I felt that I was a failure. I felt sick all the time. I got sent home 5 weeks later from when I got to San Diego.

I was home for 6 months to get on medication and more help from my therapist. I felt better than ever. I went back to San Diego to finish my mission. I had 16 months more to serve. Things were going so well. I was happy. Miracles were happening. Then I noticed things were starting to fall apart about 1 1/2 months after returning to the mission. My anxiety was getting worse. I didn't know why. I didn't notice any triggers. It was just there. I went home again from the mission after being there 3 months.

When I got home, I felt I was at the bottom of the pit. I was told in a blessing that I served all the time The Lord needed me to. It took me 1 full year to not feel guilty about not finishing my mission like I thought I would. Then, I learned a valuable lesson.

Anxiety and depression doesn't define who you are. Don't let it take over your life. I let it take over mine for awhile and it wasn't very pleasant. It doesn't make you weak. I learned it is all about our attitudes towards it. Let me show you. Since the letter "A" is the first letter in the alphabet, I will put a 1 next to it. Now where does the letter "T" fall in the alphabet? Do it for the rest of the letters.

A: 1
T: 20
T: 20
I: 9
T: 20
U: 21
D: 4
E: 5
________
    100%

As you can see, all the numbers add up to 100. Attitude is everything. I have learned that it helps to strive to be positive while having anxiety/depression. Some days are harder than others. Would I change having anxiety/depression? No. Why you might ask? Because it has helped me be the person I am today. It builds character. It gives me the opportunity to help others who may battle with the same thing. It helped me have more compassion and love towards everyone. That is just who I am. I wouldn't change all the hard times I went through. 

For those that might be reading this, know that you are loved and not alone. You are never alone. If you feel that you need help, allow others to help you. It will get better. You are strong. You are a fighter. Keep fighting.  Always remember that.

Love,

Laurel