Sunday, November 10, 2013

God's Will For Me

So, I was called to the California San Diego Mission. I am so grateful I got to serve there. I was healthy up until a week into the MTC. I entered September 19, 2012. I had coughing attacks and a really bad cold. In fact, I left 1 week later to San Diego than everybody else did. I was a mess. I wasn't happy to stay an extra week. The Lord knew I would, but I was asking why. Why do I have to stay? Of course I was sick, but in God's will, he has sent me to help a district that was struggling. Talk about a very humbling experience.

 Having been sick in the MTC caused my anxiety to go on full force. I did the best I can to be the missionary that would make Heavenly Father proud. My anxiety caused my body to just ache and not feel good 24/7. I went to the doctor's and that kinda helped. A month later into the mission field, I was on a conference call with my doctor back home, my parents and my Mission President. I was very hesitant to be on the phone fearing what would happen. Would I be sent home? Would this be it?

I had many miracles with my 2 trainers that confirmed that I needed to stick it out and continue in the mission field. Sister Hudson and Sister Riggs really cared for me. I was happy that I got an answer that I needed to stay. Then about a week later, anxiety got the best of me. I prayed about whether I should stay or not. I got the answer I needed to go home and get on meds so I can be the missionary that Heavenly Father sent me out to do. So I went home on November 12, 2012. 

It was quite the transition. I felt pain and sorrow when I had to take off my badge. I was afraid of people questioning why I was home. I felt like I was a failure up until I realized that Heavenly Father doesn't send us to fail. I had the 100% desire to return to my mission. I knew I wasn't done. So I thought to myself, "What can I do to keep that desire there?" First off, instead of going to the singles ward, I ended up being in my home family ward. Then the 2nd day I was home, I got called to be a youth Sunday School teacher. I was so grateful. Then I got to spend two 12 hour days with the sister missionaries here in Logan, UT. Biggest blessing was that I was called to be a temple ordinance worker twice a week. I loved it so much. That alone has strengthened my testimony. There was a tough patch when I was home. I just got comfortable staying home and was thinking of going back to school. Every time I thought of school, I had a sick feeling to my stomach. So I knew at that point I needed to go back on a mission.

6 months has passed! Guess what, I got better and returned to my own mission. Boy was I thrilled. I made it through the hardest 6 months of my life. So I went back and saw missionaries that I served with. The reunion with Sister Riggs was one that I will never forget. Pure happiness. So I got two more companions. Sister Brown and Sister Bishop. I love them so much. They knew how to make me laugh and smile. They are heaven sent. I was finally feeling that I was the missionary that I was meant to be. Then about a month passed and my anxiety was starting to come back. I couldn't focus on the studies. I couldn't stay awake. I couldn't even stay asleep at nights. It was a real downer. Not going to lie on that one. I just went on. I made it through 2 transfers before I felt that something wasn't right. Little did I know the P-Day at Sunset Cliffs was going to be my last. We went there to say goodbye to other missionaries. Little did I know, I would be one of those. The weekend before I left, I felt impressed to call President Clayton. He had an impression that something was wrong too. I told him of what was going on then we came to conclusion that I my mission was done. I found out the next Monday that I was to leave on Tuesday. I held it together until I was at the airport to say goodbye to President Clayton and Sister Clayton. I lost it. I cried my eyes out. I was just heart broken and confused. I never thought I was going to be sent home at all in the first place let alone twice.

When I was released, my Stake President gave me a blessing and said that I accomplished everything that Heavenly Father has sent me forth to do. I was just thankful to hear that. When I got home, I said a prayer prior to take off my badge for the last time. I never felt so much peace, love and comfort from Heavenly Father. It is the feeling I will never forget. I accept that it is the Lord's will for me to be home right now. I am so humbled that the Lord truly knows our path in this life and what we need to accomplish to build up His Kingdom. As we come to accept the Lord's will for us, it will soon be our own will as well. That's when the puzzle is complete. As I look back at the trials and good times on my mission, I wouldn't change a thing. I am grateful for everything that happened. Heavenly Father knows us all and ways to become the sons or daughters of God we are meant to become.

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