Perspective

Here I am on a beautiful yet chilly Sunday afternoon trying to put my feelings into words. Life has been hard lately. More often than not I feel trapped or stuck when I am going through hard things. I am sure many of us have felt this way.

The best word to describe this year for me so far is Perspective. A lot of hardships that happened in my life has put things into perspective. For example, I have two friends pass away this year in two separate car accidents.

Perspective #1. Live everyday fully. We don't know if there will be a tomorrow.
Perspective #2. LOVE others regardless of who they are.
Perspective #3. Laugh with others for it makes us all feel better.

Live. What does it mean to truly live? I have been thinking a lot about this. The way I look at it is pretty simple. Live in such a way that your life may be something you are proud of. It is just fine to be proud of yourself. No shame in that. I choose to live my life with service. For that is what brings me happiness and joy. I tend to text people to come to mind to see how they are doing to show that I care.

Love. Love is a big topic. What do you think about when you hear the word love? Is it something with a person of interest? Is it a chick flick that you tell everyone about? Is it loving people no matter who they are like Jesus Christ would? Love to me is important. I make sure to tell the people I love, that I love them so they know. Never assume that people already know your love for them. Tell them. Words of affirmation can go a long way. I believe love can go a long way. It can change so many lives for good. Love and Kindness reminds me of a simple lyric from the musical Wicked. "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Laugh. Laughter is simply the best medicine. It has helped me in many hard situations in my life. Life is meant to me enjoyed, not endured. Let's all have a happy time together and laugh together. That changes things.

I have come to realize that it is okay if life is hard. Hard things shapes us for the future. We have two options when it comes to dealing with hardships. There are two types of fears. The first one is Face Everything and Rise. The second one is Forget Everything and Run. It is easy to feel just wanting to forget our hardships and pretend it isn't there. Just think of it. If we face our difficulties and rise, we have been changed for good. We are born as strong human beings. It has been this way from the beginning of time.

I am grateful for trials. Not because they are desirable. Only because they help and shape us to become the people who we are meant to be.

May we strive to reach out more to those who need a helping hand. Live more. Love more. Laugh more.

Love,

Laurel

This Is My Year

Towards the end of 2017, I was thinking that 2018 is going to be the best one yet. I felt it within my bones that 2018 was going to be unforgettable. Unforgettable in a way that all sorts of good things were coming my way.

Now 2018 is here and it has been the hardest month of my life. I am dealing with health problems that have scared me. I know that I am in good hands to get things taken care of. Yet, that doesn't eliminate my fears with my health.

Then on January 15th, my dear friend, Heather passed away from a car accident. I was in shock, denial and upset that she was taken away from us here on earth. The only thing that keeps me going is that I know she is with Heavenly Father and is at peace.

Last week was a week of many lessons. Love is the center of everything. Love is bigger than any fear. There was a quote in the movie Soul Surfer. "I don't know why terrible things happen to us sometimes, but I have to believe something good is going to come out of this."

How true is that quote? It is very common that we all have trials. Sometimes we don't know why certain things that happen to us. But something that I do know is that Heavenly Father is aware and there are lessons to be learned. And that in itself is a gift.

This is my year. Yes it has been a rocky start, but I know this year is going to be a good one. Why you ask? Because I choose to make it a good one. I am not going to wait around for others to make it good. I am in charge of making it my year.

Even though I've had setbacks, I have decided that losing myself in serving others is the best way to make it my year. I've noticed that trying to be positive is the way to go. To notice the simple good things in life. To seek the good in others and to see others the way God sees them. A smile can go a long way. And that it why this year is my year. Live, Laugh, Love.

This Is Me

Growing up, I always wanted to "fit in." To be part of the cool, popular kids. After awhile I noticed that in order to fit in, I had to alter myself. To pretend to be somebody I wasn't.

This became a habit. I moved around quite a bit as a kid. It was hard for me to show others the true Laurel, because I was afraid that people wouldn't like me. This was eating me inside. It was a slow death. I was losing sight of myself and all I knew was to be something I wasn't to "fit in." Only few friends and my family knew me.

After awhile, there were people who knew how to knock down the walls around me and showed me that I can trust them. They know who they are. I am eternally grateful for them.

Now I am here to tell you that I am proud of who I am. People may take it or leave it. I am done pretending someone I am not just so that I may feel a sense of belonging. It doesn't work that way. I have learned that we don't need to apologize for who we are. If people have a problem for who we are as individuals, it is their problem, not yours. Be true to who you are and the right people will come along.

People often ask me how I would describe myself. Here are some things that make up Laurel.
-Loving, compassionate, caring, good listener, funny, loyal, a fighter
Now here are some things that Laurel enjoys to do:
-Comedy Improv, sports, singing in the car, dancing like nobody is watching, tell people jokes. The list goes on, but you got the gist.

I have come a long ways to actually figure out myself. Would I trade all the hurt and pain I went through to get to where I am today? No. Why you may ask? Because it has shaped me into the person I am today.

Now you, yes you. The one reading this. I want to tell you that you are worth it and are enough. Be proud of who you are. There is no shame whatsoever. Life is hard, but you are a strong fighter and will come out on top. Invite others to be part of your life. Show them love and let them love you.

These lyrics from The Greatest Showman puts all of my feelings into words. Read it carefully and know that you belong and that you are glorious.

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become

Won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
Gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

And I know that I deserve your love
There's nothing I'm not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

You Can Do Great Things

Often times has human beings, we tend to underestimate ourselves and the abilities we have. I am an expert at this. I'll admit that I question my greatness more often that not. Everyone has greatness to offer in this world. People may tell you over and over of how awesome your greatness is. Speaking of personal experiences, that greatness won't be able to come to life unless YOU believe that you have greatness to offer. If we are to do great things we must always be motivated to take bold risks. If you're feeling timid or uncertain, find the inspiration to do what you are meant to do.

There may be some fear of failing. People often ask themselves, "Who am I? What do I have to offer?"  There is so much uncertainty in this world. People get nervous about the unknown. I am here to tell you that this is common. Things are not made to come across easy. You can do hard things. By doing hard things, this contributes to your greatness. It shows what your character is made of. When you believe in yourself, good things happen. 

The following lyrics are from the movie, Prince of Egypt. I know that these lyrics speak the words that I've been looking for to say for so long. This describes what people may go through everyday in life. Having that fear then rising up on top to do great things in this lifetime.

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood,
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could...

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proved in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
With heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

We are not here on earth to fail. If you feel you have failed, try again. Awhile ago, I was talking to a friend of mine about some concerns about succeeding in different things. He showed me this video that Will Smith put out. He was talking about not being afraid to fail and not being scared to show your greatness. That video has changed my life my friends. I am here to tell you that YOU, yes YOU, YOU have greatness. You just gotta believe in yourself. Go forward with a smile on your face and hope in your eyes and go after that greatness and do something great today!

Jesus Christ Knows

Often times when things are hard, I just want to give up on things and call it quits. This is how my younger self mind set would be like.

Over the years, I have learned that giving up is not an option. Heavenly Father didn't send me down here to quit. But to keep trying. One of my favorite quotes is from Jeffrey R. Holland. It says:

“Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead.  Trust God and believe in good things to come.”

Sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way they do. No matter what you may be going through, know that Jesus Christ knows. He knows you. He knows what you are going through. He is there to carry you through the good and bad. He is there to lift you. He is there to comfort you. You are never alone. Never forget that. Just hold on. The light will come. 

"And when it seems as if your end is drawing near

Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the skies"

Don't Give Up. You are loved. There is always someone there for you. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ knows and loves you perfectly! 

I Am Me and That Is Okay

I don't know what I am going to talk about so I will just start typing of what comes to mind. There are times in life where we may ask ourselves, " Am I enough? Do I have to change the way I am to please others? Do I have worth as a human being?"

As many of you know, I fight depression and anxiety everyday. This has gotten me into trouble with school before. Having no motivation and not caring about school is what my days at BYU-Idaho were like. I was not myself. I wasn't social as I used to be.

Fast forward, here I am a student at UVU. My 3rd university. I tend to think sometimes, I should have graduated college long time ago. Then I realized and told myself something that changed my life forever. This phrase came out of nowhere. My thoughts said, "Laurel. You are progressing. Do not compare yourselves to others. Everyone has a different journey than you. Live it to the fullest and you will be happy."

And I thought to myself, whoa. I have been tearing myself down all these years and not really realizing it. I should pay more attention to my thoughts. Who cares if some people your age graduated college and have a nice career. It's okay to not be like others. Be yourself and everything will work out fine.

Another thing I learned is that you do not have to change yourself to please others. Be true to who you are. Don't hide that sweet spirit within you.

Everyone has great worth. A lot of people tend to put themselves down a lot. Things happen. You, yes you who is reading this, you have great value. Don't let others convince you otherwise. Everyone has something to offer in this world. There is so much good out there. You just may have to look for it and it may take time. But if you really want to see the good, it will be shown to you. Smile. Hug. Live. Laugh. Love.

Do not give up. You keep trying. Fight the fight. The fight may take awhile to win, but I assure you, you will come out on top. The worlds need you, because nobody can live up to you as yourself. Once again, I repeat You are progressing. Do not compare yourselves to others. Everyone has a different journey than you. Live it to the fullest and you will be happy.

I am me! You are you! And That Is Okay. 

Facing The Giants

I am going to write about Facing the Giants. No, not about the movie. About our own personal "giants."

I can't speak for anyone else, but I can speak for myself. Growing up, I had many giants in my life. One of the biggest giants I had was to believe in myself. Believe that I, Laurel have self worth. That I belong and that I am loved. 

It also took me awhile to learn how to stand up for myself, because I don't like confrontation. Once, I learned how to stand up for myself, many experiences came about where I had to stand up for myself. Whether it was to stand up for my beliefs, leaving a class where they showed a really bad movie or turning down a bribe of money to say bad words. The list goes on.

There were plenty of times where I had to face giants. The biggest one out there is Satan. He is the biggest Giant of all. He is the master of lies and they are not for our own benefit. He doesn't want us to be happy. He is the one that creeps the bad self worth thoughts in everyone's minds. I have often asked myself, how do I overcome this big giant in my life? How can I show him that he will lose the fight every time? 

The main thing for me to overcome this giant is to serve others and telling them that I love them. I can't assume that they already know. That is why I tell them. I love people. 

Another way I defeat my giants is that I remind myself to hold on Laurel. The light will come. 

"When you feel trapped inside a never-ending night.
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come"

Hold on, the light will come.

I love these lyrics, because it means that you are never alone. There will always be light after darkness.

In the words of Elder Holland, "Don't you quit. You keep walking.You keep trying. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

If you ever feel like giving up, please don't. Line upon line. Precept upon precept. There are many times I feel like quitting, but then I think of my family and friends who love me. Love is always there. Love is powerful.

Lastly, find happiness. What makes you happy? 

"It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness."

Know that YOU are worth it. Your own personal giants do not define who you are. You are worth much more than that. You are special. You are loved. You are a fighter. Know that happiness is always there. It has never left your side. 

Love, Laurel

LIVE LAUGH LOVE!!

Live Laugh Love. You may notice that these three words all start with the letter L. But it has a whole new meaning. These three words have changed my life for the better. There is a quote that involves these words. "Live every moment. Laugh often. Love beyond words." Of course this is a simple quote, but if you ponder after awhile you might figure out how it can help and change people for the better. It helped me greatly when I took that quote into action. Lets break it down.


First is LIVE. When I was younger, I thought that life wasn't important until I experienced some difficulties that caused me to get sick a lot. It was hard to bear. I thought I was alone and that nobody was understanding of what I was going through. It reached to the point where I had to ask God for help..which I should have done in the first place. This is where my biggest lesson I ever had began. I learned not to feel bad for myself. It lasted for awhile and I was just feeling miserable. Nothing was getting better with that. So after awhile, I learned to be happy of what I was going through. Not that it was desirable, but of what I may have learned from it. Trials are tough, but with the help and Love from God, it can make our trial(s) easier to endure. Living every moment has changed my life. Life is short. So I decided by doing good deeds for other people are very important and it teaches us to LIVE every moment.


Second is LAUGH. I believe that Laughter is the best medicine for anything. It creates a good time. Sometimes I can't stop laughing to which the point my ribs hurt and I can't breathe. What do you think about the word laughter? I hope its good, because its the best thing ever in my opinion. Especially when you know of someone that has an infectious laugh which makes it even better. By Laughing everyday or often, it creates a beautiful thing for life. It sure does make life easier to live and helps our trials a lot. I love laughter.


Third is LOVE. What do you think about when you hear the word Love? Some of you may think of your significant other, family, friends, or even chick flick movies. Whenever I think about love, of course I think about the sappy love there is, but I also think of loving people beyond measure no matter who they are. It changed everything for me, when this became a habit. I believe that this good habit will never leave me, because its just who I am. I love all people. Its a beautiful feeling to love them. People are my drug. I am addicted and I love to be around them which creates my love for everybody. That might sound strange, but its so true. By having love for people and wanting them to have joy in their lives is life changing. There is good to be seen in everyone. Imagine what this earth would be like if people started to spread more love to one another. I often imagine what it would be like, but until the contention is gone, I just keep smiling and say Life is full of amazing opportunities that we can be part of. Life is short so might as well make it amazing and have love towards other people no matter who they are.

Well, this is my little thought for the day. I hope you enjoyed it. Love you all!

Love, Laurel

Knowing

Knowing. It is more than the phrase, "I think." I like to share things that I Know.

I know that every trial is sent to us to make us stronger. It may seem that trials come one after another, but It will be OK in the end.

I know that life is full of amazing opportunities. Partake of them.

I know that the Lord wants us to love all people. I'm grateful that I learned how to do that. :)

I know that our families are perfect fit for us.

I know that I was made compassionate for many reasons. I'm grateful for this.

I know that I love people with all my heart and it will never change.

I know that befriending people is worth a shot. You never know who you might meet.

I know that living each day to the fullest is the way I am supposed to live. For I don't know what tomorrow brings.

I know that a smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I know that families can be together forever. It is a comforting feeling to know that.

I know that God and Jesus Christ loves us and knows what is best for us in our lives.

I know that music is what brings people from different walks of life together.

I know that I can't please everybody, but its ok. There is opposition in all things right?

I know that my brothers and sisters are perfect fit for me. I can't get enough of them.

I know that my parents love me.

I know that my friends accept me even though I have a upbeat "crazy" personality...lol.

I know that all of you are amazing and wonderful.

I know that laughter is the best medicine for anything.

I know that judging a book by its cover won't get you anywhere.

I know nature is a way that God tells us He is there for us.

I know that our loved ones are always there for us.

I know that LIVE LAUGH LOVE has a lot of meaning to me.

I know it is important to tell people that you love them

I know that I love all of you!

Love, Laurel

My Invisible Illness

You are probably wondering what I am going to write about. Just to get it out of the way, I don't want any sympathy. This subject has been on my mind for awhile. I felt I should write about it with high hopes it helps at least 1 person out there. Here we go.

I titled this blog, "My Invisible Illness," because I want to talk about my invisible illness. Now you may have some idea what I am talking about. Yes, I am going to talk about my anxiety and depression and what I learned throughout my journey since I've been diagnosed.

I want to say it was my 2nd year in college at BYU-Idaho. As I look back, I started to lose interest in everything I was interested in. I didn't like school. I wasn't motivated. I wasn't social like I used to be. I was VERY dependent on others. I didn't realize this all until I was told of how my body language was. On my off-track, my family suggested I get evaluated. I agreed.

When I was told I have anxiety and depression, I fell apart. I thought that my world was turning and that I was weak. For the longest time, I looked at anxiety and depression as a weakness. I felt that all my strength was gone. There were and are days where I wake up in the morning not wanting to do anything. My anxiety makes me feel really sick time to time. But no one knows that unless I make it known. I look fine on the outside, but in reality, my anxiety likes to hide.

As time went on, I tried many different medications to see what would work best for me. My life was like a roller coaster for quite awhile. By the time I went back to school, I was still new to this. My motivation was still gone in my school work. It got me into trouble with my grades. It came to a point where my BYU-Idaho days were over before I graduated. (No I didn't get kicked out).

I was then trying to figure out where I can finish my schooling. Was it going to be Utah State University or Utah Valley University? Nothing seemed like anything was falling into place. Then long story short, I got the answer to serve as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It was very overwhelming, because I knew I needed/wanted to serve. My anxiety kicked in when hearing how hard and mental taxing missions can be. I got called to the California San Diego Mission. I was excited to return to my "home" state.

Between the time of receiving my mission call and entering the Missionary Training Center on September 19, 2012, I got lots of help from my therapist in preparation of dealing and coping with my anxieties and depression on the mission. I felt I was prepared for what was ahead. I was ready to go.

I was set to be in the MTC for 3 weeks. But they had me stay an extra week due to getting sick. That really sky-rocketed my anxieties. I had no medication with me at the time. I got to San Diego around mid October. My anxiety and depression got worse. I felt that I was a failure. I felt sick all the time. I got sent home 5 weeks later from when I got to San Diego.

I was home for 6 months to get on medication and more help from my therapist. I felt better than ever. I went back to San Diego to finish my mission. I had 16 months more to serve. Things were going so well. I was happy. Miracles were happening. Then I noticed things were starting to fall apart about 1 1/2 months after returning to the mission. My anxiety was getting worse. I didn't know why. I didn't notice any triggers. It was just there. I went home again from the mission after being there 3 months.

When I got home, I felt I was at the bottom of the pit. I was told in a blessing that I served all the time The Lord needed me to. It took me 1 full year to not feel guilty about not finishing my mission like I thought I would. Then, I learned a valuable lesson.

Anxiety and depression doesn't define who you are. Don't let it take over your life. I let it take over mine for awhile and it wasn't very pleasant. It doesn't make you weak. I learned it is all about our attitudes towards it. Let me show you. Since the letter "A" is the first letter in the alphabet, I will put a 1 next to it. Now where does the letter "T" fall in the alphabet? Do it for the rest of the letters.

A: 1
T: 20
T: 20
I: 9
T: 20
U: 21
D: 4
E: 5
________
    100%

As you can see, all the numbers add up to 100. Attitude is everything. I have learned that it helps to strive to be positive while having anxiety/depression. Some days are harder than others. Would I change having anxiety/depression? No. Why you might ask? Because it has helped me be the person I am today. It builds character. It gives me the opportunity to help others who may battle with the same thing. It helped me have more compassion and love towards everyone. That is just who I am. I wouldn't change all the hard times I went through. 

For those that might be reading this, know that you are loved and not alone. You are never alone. If you feel that you need help, allow others to help you. It will get better. You are strong. You are a fighter. Keep fighting.  Always remember that.

Love,

Laurel